After the bombings in Egypt, 2005,
a letter was circulated to the families caught in the catastrophe...
Dear unfortunate survivors and victims in Allah,
So sorry to have bombed you! You must believe that if we at Terror, Inc. had had any idea that our latest bombing might even slightly injure even one of the
faithful we would not have considered bombing at all. We sympathize with your suffering. We truly do. I know the area of the hotel complex that we bombed
very well, and I was saddened to see that Mustahfa’s Falafel Hut was also destroyed. Do you know Mustahfa’s? They made the best falafel this side of
Mecca! We have all lost much to further the path of truth.
I must also explain that we at Terror, Inc. are very, very busy at the moment. We have become a worldwide company now, you will know, with projects
spanning the globe. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to properly train people to die? It is much more problematic than one might think. There are a
multitude of logistical problems with which to deal: the procurement of illegal arms and substances, the vast propaganda campaigns (although you must admit
that Al-Jazeera is coming along well), and then the young recruits who often come in to us not young enough! How are you supposed to brainwash someone
who is already in their late teens and early twenties, huh? And then so many sign on just for the virgins, not even realizing that they come only with the
ultimate sacrifice of death. And I don’t know how the word got out, but we do not offer a comprehensive health care plan! Why would we? Our employees
are only going to die, anyway, which I must confide is not entirely bad, because if you have a problem employee, you know it won’t be for long…ha, ha!
Anyway, we at Terror, Inc. wish to offer our condolences for the pain and suffering we have caused you and your family. And we want to reassure you that
we have only the purest godly intentions at heart: to rip out the still beating heart of the white American infidel and crush it under foot! Please excuse the
exuberance of some of our bombers in mistaking your wedding for a CIA conference with the Israeli Secret Service. They just wanted so badly to please
Allah, and I am afraid too many James Bond movies can have you thinking a diamond engagement ring might be something more sinister. We keep the
recruits penned up in caves with almost constant death training for a time and place that only the supreme leader knows. It is very stressful hiding out (with
no women or plumbing, mind you), fighting the infidels and eating yak jerky all the time. Forgive us.
It may come as some comfort to you that we do have some pull with Allah, knowing his mind and will as we do, and we might be able to get you a couple of
spare virgins (or perhaps a hard-working man for the women?) as some compensation for your loss. No promises, but we will see what we can do. We are,
as I said before, so busy at the moment.
In closing, I hope you will keep us in mind for your next terror event, and please feel free to send us your young impressionable sons to die for glory!
Muhammed Mohammed Mahammed Al Mohammed
Public Relations Minister
|All Writings and Images Copyright © Court Bennett 2010